Sunday, 23 September 2007

Immortals: The Calling by Jennifer Ashley

A new lesson learnt by reading this book. Even experienced authors can go wrong.

By chapter three, already I find the heroine’s dead witch sister more interesting than the heroine herself. The heroine herself is a gushing idiot. Awestruck by the sight of a handsome guy’s dick. Obviously this novel is aimed at thirteen year old teenage girls. Ho hum.

Mrs Giggles must be out of her tiny mind to give this story a rating of 86. In fact. I would advise all readers to avoid like the plague any novel that features ‘glamour magic.’ That’s a big pointer that both the hero and heroine are going to be resolutely stupid morons.

Explain to me why the hero, Adrian, a man who has been around for hundreds of years, even considers having carnal relations with a non-descript, mediocre-looking woman such as Amber. Ok. Because she admires his dick. How shallow. Obviously theirs is not going to be the romance of the decade. The heroine’s friend, Sabina, warns Adrian against having a one-night stand with Amber. But, strictly speaking, that’s all Amber deserves. Because. Yes, you guessed it. She’s another ‘innocent’ hooker. I present my evidence;

“You have such innocence.” Adrian said.

Amber made an effort to blink back her tears. “I did some pretty wild stuff in college.”

He didn't laugh. "Trust me. You are innocent. It's like a shining light in a world of darkness."

I had to pick my lower jaw off the floor after reading those lines.

THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT WILD AMERICAN COLLEGE GIRLS and really, ‘innocence’ doesn’t come into it.

All I’m saying is. If you were a slut in college. Don’t pretend otherwise. Don’t apologise for it either. The hero, Adrian, must be some kind of total retard, if he mistakes wild experience for innocence. And he’s an Immortal. Dedicated to saving the world from ‘death magic.’ No wonder the planet is in such a mess.

For some unfathomable reason I continued reading this novel. And I wish I hadn't.

About two-thirds of the way through this so-called paranormal romance changes into a very nasty, gory horror and sex story. Just the kind of story I do not like so much. So much so that I had to skip to the final chapter just to make sure of the HEA. Which turns out to be very half-hearted. The heroine is brought back to life by a goddess.

But more than anything. I really felt that Adrian's brother Tain deserved a much better ending. The poor guy is still destined to be flayed alive every 3 days. The descriptions of which were really too much for me. I'm not surprised Tain yearns for the end of the world seeing that is the only way his torture will be finished. And the traitorous vampire Septimus thoroughly deserved to take Tain's place for a few decades at least. Instead he gets to remain Adrian's good buddy. Despite the fact that he nearly drained Adrian dry of blood. So for me the ending was highly unsatisfactory. And once again no other reviewer warned me of that fact.

What a nincompoop Adrian turned out to be. He searches for Tain for hundreds of years and then when he finally finds him he gives him up for the sake of 'true lurve' with a former college good-time gal. Who btw turns out to be a lot more capable and grounded than the hero. I'm just grateful my freedom doesn't depend on him. I felt that Adrian and Amber's dubious HEA came at too high a cost. (But actually it's all a 'buy the sequel' strategey.)

Unusually I feel obliged to comment on quite a weird sex scene. Ostensibly between the main couple. They are at the same time, infused with the spirits of the hero's mother and father. As far as I could make out. So, actually, it's a sex scene between a mother and her son. Or maybe I read it wrong. Very strange. It also could be interpreted as a sex-in-public scene. tbh. The novel could have done with more of that kind of thing. Instead of all that pussy m.a.g.i.c. crap.

This story also features lots and lots and lots of pretty useless trivial magic of all forms. Just bring along a few weapons next time dearies.

Overall. Not too bad.

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